Friendship and Chronic Illness

Kids and teens only assume serious health problems come in the form of cancer unless they live with or around people who have other illnesses. The most anyone else my age has experienced health wise is a bad cold that goes away after a week or sickness from too many drinks on a night out. They soon forget this saga ever happened and go back to their normal schedule, but that doesn't happen for people who have chronic illnesses. The process doesn't stop for us and we are usually confined to our bedrooms and homes for days, weeks and months on end before we can venture out again for a day.

A doctor’s favorite question at appointments is whether you keep in contact with friends. I am always incredibly rational and respond yes, but I also explain I understand how everyone has their own lives to get on with and that I don't want nor do I expect their lives to revolve around me. But at times, I wonder if friends really understand the impact they could be making if they decided to check up on someone who is chronically ill. It would probably make our day a little brighter. I know that if it was me, I wouldn't desert a friend who had an illness. Maybe I can say that because I have been in this position for many years and felt isolated and alone. Maybe I know that those who are chronically ill really need a friend at times because I lost so many. A friendly face and someone can give them a bit of normality. My two best friends know when I need my own space to deal with my pain and never put any pressure on me to do things. When I have a rare trip out with them, they cater to my needs and take some of the extra pressure off by offering to do the things they know I find draining. They are amazing and I am incredibly grateful for their patience, friendship and for sticking with me through a difficult period.

I have lost the majority of my friends. I can count my friends on one hand, and they are extremely good to me. I can remember having so called 'friends' who used to think I was making excuses and didn't want to spend time with them. They didn’t believe me when I told them I was too poorly to leave the house. This used to upset me so much that I isolated myself even more to please everyone. 

I would obviously prefer to be surrounded by people who have my best interest at heart and actually want to spend time with me, such as my handful of friends. It does hurt when you see big groups of friends and feel worlds apart from those people who you once knew. I do often feel sad at how lonely this illness has made me feel. I don't feel normal, I don't feel I have much confidence around strangers, and I certainly don't feel young in myself, my mind and my lifestyle. Sometimes I wonder where I would be in life if I didn't have this illness. I wonder if I'd still have loads of friends or would've learned the hard way whether they were true or not. I found out from a young age who my true friends were, it was a hard process but maybe it helped me cherish the friendships I have had for nearly 10 years.

I started to realise that because this illness would be with me for the rest of my life, I had to be honest with those close to me and let them know that I couldn't do things like a normal person my age could and should be doing. As my health has deteriorated with age, my friendships have dwindled from medium sized groups to just a few people. But these are the people that have shown they really are true friends, have been there for me since the beginning of diagnosis, and are worth the extra pain that may come from spending time with them. The one thing I am proud to have overcome is that I no longer see it as scary or daunting to spend time with them. I used to go to extreme lengths to put anyone off coming to visit me because I never thought anyone could understand how much pain I was in. I didn't want to see anyone and I didn't want anyone to see me looking so ill. I didn't want to let my guard down and felt the need to protect the false state of 'normality' I had created growing up with these friends. I didn't want anyone to know how difficult things had become for me but I know now this wasn't the correct way to handle things, I only made it harder for them to understand and grasp that I was chronically ill.

Things have changed now, my friends come round and see me in all my ill glory, in my usual uniform, as we joke, which is usually some comfy pajamas and fluffy socks curled up with a blanket on the sofa in my front room. Seeing me like that is normal (I hope). I don't hide myself in makeup and put on the act on like I once did. They understand my pain, the basics of my health problems, and my limits. Most importantly, they become a great distraction for an hour or two and make a dark day of pain a bit brighter. Sometimes they ask questions about how things are going health wise, sometimes they don't. I wouldn't want to force the topic of my health on anybody, but I also wouldn't want to give a false impression that things are fine and dandy.  

Friends do come and go, more so when people are ill and more isolated from friendship groups. Unable to meet up often and unable to join in because of pain it can be a lonely process. However, it also does highlight the people who truly care, these are the people worth your love and friendship.

So I urge you, if you are reading this post and are not ill yourself, but know of somebody who is, please make the effort to text, ring or go to see them. Don't push them away just because they don't fit the criteria of somebody else your age. Don't isolate them because they can't do the things you do. Instead go round to their house and sit and talk with them for a few hours about anything and everything. Support them if you want to or be the distraction they may be craving. More importantly, let them know you are there for them. Enjoy their company and value their friendship, despite them not fitting into the normal friend category.

Click here to read more of Nancy's thoughts on POTS.